Not a Good Person

I might appear to you as one of the best daughters, you had ever seen.
As the most obedient child, as the most helpful friend or as the most caring person on earth.
But the reality isn't always what your eyes see or what your ears hear!
Sometimes things, as we perceive or see, turn out to be totally different.
And believe me, thats just the case with me.

I am not a good daughter.
I have hurted my parents a lot.
Argued a lot many times with my mother.
Replied rudely to my father.

I am not a nice friend.
I have had fights with them to the point that I dont speak to some of them anymore.
I have turned down people, when I was their only hope in some situations.
I betrayed some, when they had put their total trust in me.
I have lied to many about a lot of things.
I just couldn't bear anyone and that's the reason I don't have a friend right now.

I am not a good person.
I have thought ill for many, pointed out their mistakes and made them felt bad for it, sometimes terribly.
I have been passing on judge-mental things about some lives and have even proved them wrong in their own lives.

I am not as good as you think I a,
I am not as good as I appear
I am not an ideal person, friend or daughter
I am simply not,
what I am !

Am crying

Tears have started to show up again.

I cried in the afternoon, after the monstrous fight I saw, and now I am crying again.

Soaked down in tears, what's the reason that's making me cry?

Do I even know it?

Do I exactly know the reason, that i am crying for?

Or is it just that I am filled with so much pain that I barely need a reason to cry!

Tears are your best friend. Yes they are.

They don't ever leave you alone. Ever.

They don't need an invitation.

And certainly they don't have that ego and attitude problem.

They just hold you whenever you are left alone by the world.

And always make their presence felt.

Whether you enjoy it or not !

To start crying in the middle of a holly-wood movie, at the sight that everything was fine happening in the picture, is the sign that I am going insane?

I was watching a happy movie, for god's sake.

Then why did you have to show up then, I asked my little best friend.

You might be watching a happy themed movie but you must remember that pains are real.

They are life.

Happy things are just for stories and movies and not for real. So to make you come back to reality, to get that real element alive in you, I come.

I come to remind you, the things that need your attention. I don't come on my please.

I come just to be with you. As I know, how alone, how hurt, how lonely you are.

Let me not leave you.

Because I know you don't worth my presence now, but surely will mark my absence.

 Is this all true?

Am I crying because I don't have those happy moments left in my life anymore?

I want to be happy so why cant I just  be happy?   

I too want to smile, laugh,

but all that I can tell you right now

is

that,

I am crying !

I am sorry, I lied to you !

Sorry I lied ,

Lied a million times to you.

Hiding the pain and just ,

Smiling in-front of you !

You asked me,

"What's wrong?",

I wanted to scream,

"Everything",

But I lied,

"All's good".

You asked me,

"Did anything happened today?"

I lied,

"No nothing"

"Everything is fine"

You asked me,

"Are you crying?"

I lied,

"No, why would I cry"

"I am happy"

You asked me,

"How was your day?"

I wanted to tell you

All the shit that had happened that day,

But I lied,

"My day was just usual,

like everyday "

You asked me,

"What did you do the whole day?"

I wanted to cry,

Like I had been crying

That whole day,

But I lied,

"I did some home stuff and studies"

I know you knew something was wrong,

I know you knew that I was in pain,

I know you knew that I was lying,

I know you might be hurt after reading this,

But I had to lie.

Lie beacause

You were entering a new phase of your life,

Phase for which you had toiled so much.

I just had no right to snatch that happiness from you,

To deprive you of the smiles you deserved.

I didn't want to loathe you with my depression,

I just couldn't be so selfish.

Hence,

I lied.

I know you would have been there

when I cried,

When I was depressed.

But I didn't want to

sadden you by my sorrow tales.

I wanted you to be happy,

And believe

That I was happy too.

Because

Seeing you happy,

Somewhere made me happy too !

Hence

I am confessing it today,

Right here,

In-front of you.

That

I am Sorry,

Sorry,

That I lied to you !

[This post was first published on The Writers Lounge. http://weandwords.blogspot.com/2011/06/i-am-sorry-i-lied-to-you.html ]

Another Two States Part - 40

Here Namita was leaving the hostel building with her luggage,
with Tiya waving her bye bye from the hostel's gate, and here, from behind, Rahul was approaching the girl's hostel building. However, he just saw Namita's back, still he was pretty confident that the girl's form, disappearing in the dark of the night , he saw, was Namita only.

  Tiya had just turned back into the hostel's building, she heard Rahul calling her from behind.

"Hey Tiya",Rahul called Tiya's name, before he could loose her, going inside the hostel's building.

  As amazed and happy she could be, she turned back to her and replied,"Hey. Hi Rahul. Good to see you. How have you been? How were your holidays?".

"Oh..oh..well these are quiet many questions to answer. So how about a cup of coffee?",Rahul said.

"Wow. He still remembers me, isn't it! He hasn't forgotten our last semesters spoiled coffee date, when the witch named Vipsa had ruined all the fun with her interference. What a sweet guy! He is making up for that. Thank you God. I am just so lucky! ", she thought in her mind. But before she could answer his invitation, her fellow-mates called her from behind.

"Hey Tiya, hope you are coming in a minute.",said a group of girl's from behind.
"We are going to start the oath of honesty in few minutes and hope you will be a part of it",and they all giggled.

"Rahul felt a bit awkward, being the only guy standing there, outside the girl's hostel, and being the most talked about guy in college.
Tiya too saw her hesitation fro standing one more minute there.

"I guess, I will see you tomorrow",he said.

"Yeah, actually I have to attend this thing where the fresher girl's at college are ragged in the hostel. Making them understand all the rules and regulations of our college and also of senior to junior relations",she said .

"Hmm..So will catch uo with you tomorrow"

"Yeah, yeah. I am free tomorrow. Will surely catch up",Tiya said.

"Okay then, Bye bye."

"Bye"

Rahul and Tiya had turned, to go their own ways, but Rahul called Tiya once again.
"Hye......Tiya..",he almost shouted on top of his voice.

Tiya, startled with this sudden call for her, turned at once.
"Yeah...",she said from distant.

"Was that Namita leaving? a few minutes ago?",he shouted.

"Namita, Oh no no. That wasn't Namita. She is still home", Tiya kept her promise to Namita but one thought kept boggling on her mind for the rest of the night, why was he asking for her? Why does he keeps asking for her all the time? Why doesn't he understand that Namita ain't interested in him. She already has a boyfriend to care about!
She decides to tell him all this , the next time they will meet.

The next day, she tried meeting up with him. But he seemed to be little busy with his sports stuff. She tried seeing him for the next couple of days, but all the time, Rahul had got something to occupy him from meeting her.

"Is he avoiding me? Am I being too desperate to go out with him? Or is he seeing somebody else?",these were the thoughts occupying her mind all these days. She hadn't heard from Namita too from quiet some-days. She had only got her okay being messages since she left. Tiya was all in a fix as to what could be the reason of Rahul ignoring her, but little did she knew that the reasons she had in mind wasn't the one that Rahul was avoiding her. Rahul knew, that she lied to him about Namita!

          

Another Two States Part - 39

"Yes, I have a younger sister. I must see her. She needs me. She's having a baby."

"A younger sister!"
"A baby...what..?", Tiya was taken aback by Namita's revelations.
"Just a minute. I mean.,..What...what actually are you saying Namita", and she got up from the bed.
"So you are telling me that you are going to assist your sister in her motherhood? Is that what you are telling me Namita?",she asked her, in a bit angry voice.

"Yes Tiya "
"It's very hard to explain and I seriously don't know how to explain that all to you. But believe me Tiya. And the saddest part is I can't tell my Mom about this all",and she started crying again. This time a bit more heavily.

"Oh Namita.",Tiya came close to placate her.
"For God's sake don't cry."

"No, I am tired of keeping this secret from everyone. But I don't have a choice. I really don't know, as to what I am doing is right or wrong. I don't know", and Namita started crying heavily.

Tiya could clearly see how concerned and worried this elder sister of a soon going to be mother was! She thought of not asking any more questions to trouble Namita.
"Namita, I trust you a lot and I know whatever you do, you do it with no capricious thoughts. And I know in this case too, you will do the right thing only.", she tried calming her down.
"So don't worry. I am with you"
"You go and take care of her. Now come-on, Stop crying now."

And Tiya somehow managed to get her cool down. 
"But, for how long will you be gone? And, are you going on your own? Does Samarth knows about all this? Namita, are you gonna be okay by yourself?", Tiya bombed her with her questions.

"Tiya, Tiya. I am going to be alright."
"Just help me fake my presence here."
"I will be back soon, and without any future troubles, I promise", Namita tried assuring Tiya.

"Okay, as you say. I know, you are a big brave girl.", and she hugged Namita.
Both the girls were now hugging each other, feeling the complacent warmth of each others hug.

"Okay, I should be going now. I have got a train at seven to catch", said Namita, asking Tiya to let her go off from her arms.

"Okay", said Tiya.
"Does Samarth knows about this?"

"Yeah, in a way, he does and he is worried about both of us too ."
"It's all so complicated.",she said , in a sulky voice.
"After I am done with all this, will tell you in detail. I promise",said Namita.And she started collecting her luggage bags.

"Hmm..Okay."
"But, is there any probability that Aunty might call me?",Tiya asked out of curiosity.

"Well, it's only 0.001% probable that she might call you to know about my whereabouts, if I won't take her call which won't happen. So you don't worry. All you have to do, is just to tell people here, that I am still at home",she said walking towards her door with her luggage.

"Okay",said Tiya. She was sad to see Namita leaving so early. They had just met after the two months long semester break.

"Tiya, don't be sad. I will be back soon",and saying so Namita left.

It was getting dark by now, and she thought this might be the best time to fake her presence for the day at the college premises. But before she could escape the eyes of everyone their, Rahul saw her from behind. He saw Tiya waving goodbye to somebody, and he was quiet sure that it was Namita only.

Rahul had seen Namita leaving the hostel building!


      So Namita has a sister! Who's having a baby soon. But why is this a secret? Why? Why she wants Tiya to cover up things for her while she will be gone? Well, looks like something big is coming up to be revealed by Namita now !