Some Old Posts

From My Heart.......... For My Heart... ! 

http://smitasdesk.blogspot.com/2010/08/why-i-like-twilight.html

Why I Like Twilight ....!

 http://smitasdesk.blogspot.com/2010/08/why-i-like-twilight.html

I Can't Speak . 

http://smitasdesk.blogspot.com/2010/09/i-cant-speak.html


Another Two States !

http://smitasdesk.blogspot.com/2010/03/another-two-states.html

CABG Part 10

18th December

4 : 00 pm

                    Being given heavy medicines,he was supposed to gain his conscious by 12 , it was 1 now ! It was difficult for my heart, to keep pace with time as every passing minute was bringing more unrest.Everybody was calling, inquiring ,why haven't they called? He must have gained his senses by now,ask the doctors,what's happening inside? Is he okay?When called, doctors said, as soon Father will gain his senses we will be called and as of now, nothing was there to panic about.How easily the nurse said this, but ask a daughter's heart,what was there to panic about,who had not seen her Dad for more than 24 hours now,whose Dad has undergone a major surgery but hadn't had a sight of him yet!Ask a wife,who has been sleepless last night, thinking about all the recent adverse advancements in her life, has been thinking about how to put everything back in place, ask them why there was a need to panic.But as said, before time and fate, what can one get and we were called at 4:15 pm, alas.Had been 4 hours over, since we were promised to see him but to see him was the main course and not as argue over what we were promised.To see him, to see how he's doing, to cheer him up and free him of all the worries, was the prime concern and hence after 26 hours, I saw him!

            The most agonized yet the most  moment ecstatic moment of my life was now! To see Father, penetrated by different tubes, pinched by numerous syringes wasn't a sight to smile but here I was, smiling, greeting Father as if nothing has happened.Poor Girl, what else she could do! Pity.I smiled, greeted him and all I could say was " You looking good Papa.Don't worry for anything, everything is going to be fine very soon.Just keep your strength like you have kept till now."I was beginning to feel nauseating.Sorry, couldn't bear the ruthless site of Father hence asked for the permission to leave with a promise to come tomorrow.My head was spinning by now and I just wanted to leave the ICU, I was starting to loose my senses but before leaving I heard the most wonderful three words,"I Love You beta?(my child)",and I turned to leave before he could see my tears !

                      The surgery was successful, he would be discharged in some weeks time, CABG was over but this wasn't the end, rather this was just the beginning of yet another CABG Process!The process to get him out of the surgery depression, to make him believe he would be fine soon, to settle all the storms arising and to boost him up physically and mentally.

                       I thank God for giving me and my Mother, the strength that we are having, to till date, trying our level best for reviving things back to, as they were.And here I end this series.Ending as I don't wish to write the pain I have been through after where I am ending this series, as it is still continuing and some people may even think that I am touting my pain, my sufferings, over hyping small things, which some believe aren't even happening or worthy of being depressed for.I have no stamina or will to fight against them as they are mere ignorant people,God Bless them.May they never fall in such a situation as I am in, as then only one can understand what made me write this all, And as to what phase of life I am going through! I ain't masochist or one who likes to publicize things without a reason.I don't care as to what impression one may get from my writings as I have enough faith in my writings, that none is being hurt hence I don't wish to write more, because the pain I am experiencing now, is simply unexplainable and implacable.

                  

             Wish you a speedy recovery Papa.Get Well Soon,please !

CABG Part 9

17th December

9 : 00 pm

                     6 hours had passed with no news about him.Everything seemed to be so lucid just yesterday but today everything seemed to be coming to an end.Storm of different thoughts were giving me a

headache.Sitting in the corner, quietly,looking at my mother who was trying to show her best ,smiling for me,displaying that the troublesome clouds will go away ,be strong but I knew how strong she was from inside. How strange,a Woman suffers through every ups and downs, stands as the strongest pillar for her family, never complains and yet she is never cared for!Never thought of!She is also human,she too feels like crying,shouting her agony to people but then this is God's most wonderful creation, Woman! She will bear everything on her,for her child,for her husband,for her family,for everyone ,without a line of worry on her face ! Salute to Woman !

                    Eagerly awaiting for the call,different thoughts striking my mind ,I tried smiling,for my mother,for the lady who needed support and what else could have assuaged her at the moment but the serene smiling face of her only daughter.Thank You God,for giving me strength,my mother patience and blessing us with such wonderful people who helped us out through the most crucial times if our life.Thankyou :)

                    What  a lady would have done,husband to be hospitalized immediately and only a girl child in family with no relatives present at the moment, if it hadn't been for Mr.Singh's magnanimity.God sends troubles along with a package, containing their solution.Alas,heard the announcement.Only one was asked,who would be allowed to see Father coming out of the OT,to satisfy,the patient has been operated.One with a strong heart was needed,to see him,with different cuts and wounds,tubes penetrating his body, with him sleeping in sound sleep,to be continued for the next 24hrs.My uncle was chosen.So that would mean I won't be seeing my father for another 18 hrs.What a pity,but was worth everything for my Dad to be healthy again :) And I was asked to go home,again,being a girl, and my elder cousin brother was asked to stay to support mother.Leaving mother and Father,I left the hospital premises.Ate my food,was lying in bed by 12,would sleep any moment while mother will again spend a sleepless night with father sleeping under sleeping medicines influence.How shameless at times we become !I said prayer for things to settle back to normal again, fearing the visible darkness of the room, closed my eyes,waiting for tomorrow's sun to rise.

            As Till then all I could do was, sit and watch the time pass by !

CABG Part 8

17th December

2:55 Pm


                       We were waiting in the ICU Lounge.We were waiting for the doctor's call,to see Father before he would be operated.Million threads were going in my mind.All relatives were there,calming mother and me but what else could calm us but the very sight of Father.And at 2:55 pm ,the call was announced.We rushed to see him.He was going.Was worried and tensed.Mother  smiled and I held hid hand,while he was being taken.He smiled,for a nanosecond but that nanosecond was the most beautiful moment.And finally I wasn't in pace with the stretcher and lost sight of him when he entered two big white gates,flipping against each other with doctor's entering ,in rush,nurses following the orders and assisting them,different equipments and medicines beign supplied to the big room known as Operation Theater.



                       What else could we do but have a flash of everything that has happened in the past 24 hrs.Everything seemed just like yesterday and everything coming seemed like so so far away.Telling the same story to all the callers was one agony.Narrating them all the scene was going like it again and again,with Father suffering and not answering the call meant people offended.How strange ,isn't it?Call and we won't like to talk,don't call and we would complain that you didn't call !But that's human nature,that's human life and that's human attitude !Who can get past through these things,who?None !

                                  Surgery started at 3 pm.

CABG Part 7

17th December

6 : 00 am

                    We were at the hospital.He was ready to aboard the ambulance !Never thought so early this

phase would come in my life that We will have to accompany him in an ambulance with all life saving tools equipped and a medical attendant accompanying us.The siren of the ambulance seemed like the D-day's call.Life was struggling infront of my eyes,I just standing and watching things happening !Father in the front with mother in the ambulance and me with my uncle behind the ambulance.The two hour journey seemed like two hundred hours,funny but life brings you every phase with such bare realities ,that one won't even dream as the deadest dream ! He gets medical aid just in time was the need of the hour and all I was worried about.God may shower troubles,one may think but we shouldn't forget that he walks with us ,helping us in every step,silently ,and we human ,forget to thank but never forget to complain for all the hardships.

               By 9 we were there,at the emergency.The doctor's team was ready,had an acquittance there,thankfully.Mr.Garg was very helpful.He was the main senior cardiologist ,main consultant in Dad's case.He was now getting the idea,nervousness could be clearly read on his face.I was standing besides him,calming him,holding his reports and other files in one hand and his hand in the other.Standing in such a situation ,I had never imagined.He wasn't ready for this shock.Wanted some less painful thing to be done and was asking but assuaging him was my duty.But what words can pacify a scared heart?Smiling seemed to be useless,holding his hands ,all I thought of saying to him was " I Love You Papa.Don't worry.Everything will be alright.Just be strong and face what life is bringing upon us."I could barely hold my tears but God helped.His doctor made his mind for all the surgical treatments and calmed him,assuring to give him the best treatment possible.No human appeared ,ever in life so angelic like Mr.Garg appeared to us.Thank you God,for being with us :)

               All the medical arrangements were made.The panel was ready.He would be treated at 3 pm.And he was taken ,taken away from our sight,for some pre-surgery treatments to be carried on.Dad waved,I smiled, turned and cried.

CABG Part 6

16th December

11 : 30 pm

                  With all the medical arrangements made,finanicial aid gathered,relatives and friends informed the biggest question infront of us was,how to tell father,why we were going to another hospital?,what his actual  condition is and apart from this the biggest testing time was the time to face him with all the dreaded things in mind with a smile to make it appear as if everything is normal.

                    Never thought one day I will have to face him in such a tragic situation.With a wide smile,I entered.He was a bit troubled.I wished him good evening,he inquired about the report.I replied,"Everything is normal papa it's just that they don't have enough advanced machines so we are just taking you to Apollo and from there you will be freed."Standing besides my father had never been such an impossible task for me but as said God stands with you whenever he sends trouble to test you.Sometimes everything seems to be coming to an end,when the most strongest pillar falls in-front of your eyes ,things seem to fall apart never to be back along all together.He was asking for mother.She was crying outside.Destiny sometimes plans such big things,can't it give a hint for people to prepare for it?Just a small hint can do but this is life not some story.Here things just happen and we are supposed to welcome them with pleasure and face them with courage.

                     Mom will have to sleep in the hospital,in case of any emergency.I wanted to stay too but being a girl everybody asked me to go home.It was the moment to support and not to protest or argue.Throughout my life I have never ever had a complex of being a girl but today ,wished was a boy,to support my mother,to support my father.

                    Mom ate minimal food,she was all lost,aunties were trying to make the moment light but when
you can see the whole reel of troubles with your eyes wide open nothing distracts you from thinking about it.She left for hospital in few minutes,I left behind.I was told to sleep.It was 1 am by now.How shameless our human body is,gets too tired and the need to sleep makes your eyes so heavy that you go into sound sleep as soon as you board bed forgetting that a wife ,a mother would be awake whole night,thinking of past ,crying for the present and worried about the future.I never felt so bad about myself as for not being there with her.Early morning we had to leave town ,had to be the supporting member of the family even if I am told I can't be.I closed my eyes.

CABG Part 5

16th December

9 : 35 pm


                      We were called.The room was a normal one with three brick walls and one opaque mirrored wall ,the other side I could see father coming out a big circular white ring type machine.The doctor was analysing something moving quite fast on her desktop,on a closer look I realized,it was heart,my  father's heart."He has major blockage Mam.See he only has 1% oxygen available as of now.He's in pain,he might have not complained but I can assure you he's in great pain.You must get him to a hospital as soon as possible.Only an early CABG surgery can assuage him of this monster."The words appeared to me as if some I was having a bad dream on whose termination dad will come to me walking normally dressed in his own clothes and we all will go home.But sadly,it wasn't a dream !



                        I could clearly see the two blocked veins,dripped out of blood totally ,with only one artery showing the blood flow, that too restrained at one point making an almost inverted V suppression ,thereby restraining the blood flow in that artery too.His one artery was 100 % blocked,with another 98 % and the last one 99 %.In total his heart was getting only 1% blood supply.Immediately the doctors at the Apollo Hospital were called and an early morning appointment was made.Dad would be under medical watch and early morning at 6 would be shifted to Apollo in ambulance.Requirement of serious medical aid at early was the need for such a hurry.The whole world seemed to be moving in front of my eyes with the proceedings of such events.God please save my father was all that was going in my mind !

CABG Part 4

16th December

 2 : 45 pm

             
             They returned.I could clearly see the red wet eyes of my mother but she pretended things to be fine.

  She said,"only a little medical test needs to be done for analyzing the heart,father will have to be in hospital for a day and nothing else to be worried about".But I knew something was wrong.It has always been so,both of us are the world's worst liar yet we commit this sin every then and now.We both hide our tears from one another to be the support and not the weakness.Smile even when eyes play all the trick telling the truth.No matter how hard we try but we both can sense the trouble ,the pain. the vain .the other soul is going through.

            He was taken to the local hospital immediately after he had his lunch.Yes,I can still revive every moment I spent on the dining table ,serving his plate myself,He eating his food, there infront of my eyes normally,wish could relive those moments soon again.He was in ICU by 3:15.We were  accompanied by our very caring neighbors.I really owe a lot to my Uncle who helped us in that crucial time.Aunty was also there along with our others,calming Mother.His angiography was due to be done at 5 in the evening.The clock ticked 6,Cell phones ringing,relatives inquiring and we informing some friends.Another hour went by with no sign of Doctor.With mixed feelings of  anger  and nervousness we have been meeting him in between telling him about the delay in the procedure with nothing to worry as such.

                   Alas, the Doctor appeared.She came .It was 9 pm by now.

CABG Part 3

16th December

8 : 00 am


                   until...unitl I removed the quilt from his face to wake him up. With a placid smile I wished him goodmorning but his pale face showed signs that something was wrong. Mom told me about he telling her , his inability to get up that morning ,might be because of excess work and travelling exertion. Hence Mom took the decision to postpone our trip to the evening and see the physician. He drove himself to our family doctor and after all the blood reports and analysis nothing unusual came. Puzzled by the good reports doctor advised father to see his cardiologist at once regarding the condition of his breathlessness at few steps only.

                  From there he went to see his doctor. She got his ECG(electrocardiagram) done and the whole case was solved. He was under engina attack. Worst part about heart attacks is  they can be silent too!He had had engina pain attaack some 7 years back but with controlled diet and regular intake of medicines with precautions towards having a healthy life, no other problems had occured til now but now the inevitable condition was there......CABG ( Cardiac Artery Bypass Grafting surgery).

CABG Part 2

PART 2

16th December
6 : 30 am


        I started my day with a smile and many plans in my mind as I was going to one of my childhood friend's Birthday party tonight but before that I would be attending my trainig at BEL. It was meant to be a very hectic and alluring day at the training cell as we were to attend the Radar Department today. Mother woke me up. She had been working since 5 in the morning as our maid was on leave on account of illness of her youngest son.

     The chill had begun to show it's darn will of more chilly days in future but mother was working in water washing utensils early morning and waking me up after completing all the household chores.I protested, complaining to had me help her with work but all she said was " Koi baat nahi, maine sab kar liya" ( It's okay, I have completed) with a smile as serene as one can see early morning. I thought mom has made my day but didnt see the calmness of the environment indicating the arrival of the deadly storm.

        

    I have always wondered from where I could have cultivated the divine calmness, being a shortempered child once but this morning Ma's smile gave me all the answers. "Hurry up,your dad isn't feeling well and has asked us to get ready so you better hurry up", and instantly I jumped out of my bed went to my parents room to see my father but found him sleeping hence I straightaway headed myself to the bathroom and was ready in half an hour. Helped in making breakfast,packing my father's salad and lunch pack as he had just recovered from yellow fever case which had gone a little bad which meant only home made food to be devoured. Then moving on to her daily prayer course mother asked me to make Dad ready himself for our trip to his colleague and my friends house, I was eagerly waiting to handover her her gifts that I had got for her just a day before in the evening only. I had collected a book and a box of choclates for her, it being a special day for her as well as all of us as we all, the group of 5 familes.would be meeting after a long time with ample time to chat and relax. Everything was so much fun until.....

CABG Part 1

PART 1

16th December,


       I was happy. Finally I was a trainee at a place where I could ever imagine to be. BEL, Bharat Electronics, Paradise for electronics engineers. Being an introvert I was frightened as to who all I shall meet but then came a very sweet girl with her name being very very familiar in my life, Surabhi and surprisingly my batchmate, a friend of friend ! I was thoroughly enjoying being in a PSU with so lively friends. I had plans of totally changing myself and I was working hard on it but then nobody knows whats next in your life. I thought finally I had control over things but didn't know my life was about to take such a 180 degree turn that even living my life would appear lethargic to me,I being very lively to love life the way it comes !