... know ... what ... did !

I know what I did
I am already paying for it
It's hard to resist
Impossible to forget.

It wasn't how I had anticipated
It isn't how I had wished it to be
But now
it is what it is!

Most amazing feeling
This how I had imagined
With the most special person
This is how I had expected
Longing togetherness
This is how I had imagined
Forever and ever
This is how it should have been.

Now that it's done
Nothing can be changed
Whats done is done
It can't be changed!

Respect it
or turn your back on it
It's your choice
But forget about it
I really don't think that can be a choice.

I don't regret it
Neither do I hate it now
It's just how it is
And I have to live with it now!

I am strong enough to cherish it
And cherish what it was when it was
Frame those moments
Forever to be watched.

I respect it
And expect the same from you
For it being something to me
And nothing to you!

You were never there
It was just a boundation for you
For she was never cared for
But don't worry
As soon she may not be around!

Dreams are vague!

"I miss you"
"Yes, I miss you too"
"I can't believe it's been two years since I saw you
Seems like yesterday that you were gone", she replied.

"I know", she said.
I have been counting every second since I came back
Every second planning my next visit home
I know it's been two years now. she thought in the back of her mind.

It has been a long night.
Tiring and weary.
Drained out of energy
Quickly she went dreamy

It was all blurr
Chilly as hell
"Where are you going", said the voice
"Home", answered she!

What stops you
Why you cannot
No this is not right
Voices kept telling her

With a shrill
The dream was broken
She was home
But how, this was still unknown

She got out of bed
"Good morning, you feeling better now?, got greeted by her father
"Yeah but how did I...",she was puzzled.
"Last night you bought a one way ticket"
"A ticket to come home"

Apetite

An innocent look

Like that of a child

Planning a notorious act

In the back of his mind!

"I can't tell

I can't discuss

I am gonna be caught"

Are the various thoughts

"How do I say

How I execute it

But I have to

Let me calculate all possible ways"

She was still there

He still had it

Eyes playing hide and seek

There she got it

Dancing of the eyeballs made it quite clear

Mouth wanted to speak

But tongue had made it unclear

"Do you want some"

Were the words waiting to come out

She heard them anyway even when they weren't said aloud

"That's okay. You know about my small appetite."

So came the bright shine in his eyes

The meal was devoured with a wide smile!

Dreams are Stupid!

Table was laid

Mild wind with mild chills

Perfect evening for a candlelight dinner

With serene  peace instilled.

"Especially for you Mam"

Came a cake

Decorated with multicolored sprinklers

And a candle lighting up the bake.

What else could be more pleasing 

Than some undivided attention

Cheers to life

And the cutlery started clinking.

"It's nice to have you", she said.

"I am glad you said that", he replied.

Moments of endearment

No space for bereavement.

Tush!

Broke the dream!

She had dipped her finger in the fire of candle's beam

Cling, the meal check-in was posted online

Afterwards came in a message.

"You should have asked me."

"To hear another No and not come along?", came in the thought.

Dinner alone on the D-day

sounds stupid

But then

Dreams are stupid!

Dreams are dubious!

"Let me go clean my room"

She took off from her sight.

She wanted to get away

from the shackles that were tied

She took out the album

Started feeling how it felt

When the time was young

How alive had she felt

Her mother got up from her chair

Came to her room and stood there

Waiting for her to notice her presence

But her mind was already in the absence

Come I have made something she liked

Yeah, I was just going through her pictures

It's nice to remember her today as part of our family

Yes, And it's nice to still think of her as daily

They both smiled

Smiled in-front of each other

The moment she turned, they both broke into tears

Wake up!

We are getting late

Quickly she got dressed, for it was her sister's D-day today!

Words seem to be pompous

Every act being glorious

But then 

Dreams are dubious!

Dreams are Silly!

"Baby"

"Yes"

"Write Something. It's been ages."

"I know. No time for blog"

"Why, why would you say so"

Blushed with love

Everything seemed right

Companion like muse

Life sounded nice!

"I have some posts

lined up 

coming up

But you know how hard it is for me finish a write up!"

"Why Why Why"

He just won't keep silent.

"I want to read all that you can write."

She wrote about love

She wrote about fights

And

She wrote about everything

that seemed right

How could you

"How could you what"

How could you cheat...

"What are you gonna do. Blabber it to the world?"

Yes. I will, she cried.

Then happened the fight

Bad words and rife.

Down she went 

with the force that came with slap's strike

world ended there for her 

as the soul had taken it's plight.

Suddenly she woke up in her real life

Opened face book just to hit like

Like on his post, celebrating a year of togetherness

With his girl, for whom she could never qualify.

Some more posts she scrolled and pressed unlike

This portrays her as tilly

But then

Dreams are silly!

“Picking up the pieces of a shattered dream is better than having no pieces to pick up at all.” 

― Matshona Dhliwayo

Dreams are foolish!

Late night.

Working on final paper for semester

By the window, on the table

Laptop, a cup of coffee and papers scattered all over!

Hand on head,

Eyes into the laptop

"This is shit"

Was the stuff going in her head.

Then rang the cell phone

"Who is it"

"I have got a delivery for you", came the answer.

What could it be

At this bizarre hour

Who would have sent it

What could it be

Doubts in mind

Downstairs she went to collect 

There he stood

With hands in his pocket

Taken aback by this

She smiled in disguise

"What a surprise", she literally screamed,"I love it".

"I know you do. That's why am here", he whispered taking her by her hand for a walk.

Night was young

Breeze was cold

Thump came the sound 

And suddenly she woke up!

This may seem childish
But then

Dreams are foolish!

“Everybody said, "Follow your heart". I did, it got broken” 

― Agatha Christie

Preference

Why would somebody do that?
What thought is behind this action?
It's something that she's not used to!
A different treatment!

"Hmm...."
"After you..." and a hand gesture was made for her to go first on the staircase.

A step onto the stairs but a preference was given. Specifically she was asked to step first.
Something that doesn't happen to her everyday.
Not that she has not been with guys earlier and not that she hasn't been given a special treatment before.
But this was something that had never happened.

As small and insignificant this may seem but was not at that moment.

Men tend to have bigger egos than women. This is how they have been made. Women are easy to break but men are tough! It's hard for them to put someone else before them. But here he had her before her.

This might be not new for him but was new to her.
This might be something he does to every girl but no guy had done it yet for her.

"Don't do it. I am not used to such respect", came her reply.
"Don't do something which puts her in special treatment. Don't do something which you won't do forever. Hope such a day never comes", she though in her mind.

X--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------X

Coming back home from college, she was walking behind him.

He was to open the gate and she was to follow.

Gate was opened wide and was thrown back in sudden flash.

What happened took her by surprise!

"Is this the same person who used to ask her to go first or at-least take note that somebody is following", she thought.

Might have been an upset situation, might have been a tensed state of mind, might have been her doing something to piss him off. 

This wasn't imagined but this is what happened. And a happy moment was erased.

                   X-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------X

This wasn't something on the list of expectations but it's hard to ignore it after making someone habitual of that. It takes time for people to forget about the special things but it happens and happens with a pinch of pain. Funny that people make you used to certain things that they start and when they stop doing that, you are the only one missing it being done!

Fall 2016 !

O thy leaves that fall
My heart cries for a part of me is now gone.
Yours truly,
Mourning trees

...

O dearest tree, just stand tall
For this is just a phase called fall
I am gonna sprout on your branches again
In a new fresh form and be your part again!
Yours truly,
Falling leaves

The term called ... !

It comes in disguise but hurts like hell. When there is nobody for you to talk to. To open up, to share what you think or what you want to say! Complete silence becomes your companion. Only sound that you hear of is of trees rumbling outside your window. Scene of friends giggling at night, people going out in groups are other sources that makes you feel terrible even more when you miss the part of your life when you used to be that.

But yes, it's hard for anyone else to understand how this could be someone's part of life. As they have never faced it! For them being lonely is an alien feeling and not having people around to talk is a myth. Yes, it's up-to you to open up and talk to others but not every time you land with people. Sometime you land up alone with people!

Ever wondered how it feels like when you come home and you have no to talk to?
Whole day is gone and you never talked except on messaging apps?
One hour was the max time you were in actual human contact?

Longing loneliness is creepy and is sticks around to make one feel sick!
Sick with pain!
Sick with depression!

But it's hard for anyone else to understand and once you are in, there's a hard way of getting out of it!
But one who has been in such a situation would understand! You don't get friends, you make friends. But to make friends, people should be there!

You talk, you mingle but the other one is selfish enough to just use and throw you away!
Would you make friends with such people? Are these people even fit to be called friends?
Nobody asks for any friend to stick around 24*7, but it's nice to have someone by your side! And when the one you had expected would do so, ignores you, it kills!

But you won't understand
Neither do I expect you to understand it
Not anymore

The term called Loneliness !